I’m in it. The zone in between sleep and hell and wherever it is you go when you’re on drugs.
There are distant streetlamps becoming constellations laid out in front of me. The road is an asteroid belt that I ride slowly..yet surely to my destination, whatever that is. I know I am connected to the ground somehow but I cannot feel it. My solar system dissolves before my watering eyes and the steering wheel loses my grip. Drift… drifting in and ..out
And in…
And in…. a
Nd in…. outand in….
AND I blink and I’m back, the light from the moon .. or sun spinning mercilously above me, creating circles in the inky sky. Not inky, clear. It is daytime. Night time. Afternoon time. My brain is moving in slow revolutions that seem to disconnect as soon as they spin once, popping off and flying into the blue with the rest of me that has left this earth. I feel time as a corporeal thing and I feel it leaving my body. I am detached and I am out.
And out.
And in!
and I’m SO IN, I need to run, I need to shout. But it’s an hour of the morning that I never see and people are shushing me. Instead I roam the apartment, walking around and around to stay with it. I open the door and stumble outside, I sit. I wait. I hear voices and I look for the source but it cant be. They left. I slouch over into the wall and shiver, rocking slowly back and forth to attempt to generate heat. A mostly full beer by the door is now mine and I gulp at it, letting the cold brew calm my throat and my brain. My brain. Oh lord the damage on my brain. I cant handle it I cant… be out.. I can…
…cant be out. I let myself be hugged by a stranger in a too big jacket with a lightening bolt on the back. I watch horrified as he hits his dog, wincing as the dog cowers at his feet but my limbs will not respond to my nagging, their leaden digits twitching feebly before giving up. I need human contact or I will lose it. I grab him, and pull him into the bedroom fiercely. Our eyes lock, not lock… try to grab hold like smoke in the wind, sloshing around in their sockets, wooden orbs in a salty red-tinted sea. We know. He knows it. We fall, in perfect synchronization to the bed, o ur eyes still holding on .. barely holding on and I’m..
IN STILL,
the dull background of ..heartbeats? grinding and pumping like a glitch heavy on the air above us. The air between us is thicker still and scant. Skin and sweat on skin and sweat and face buried in collarbone. We blink together, clutch tighter together, exhale and forget to inhale together but our moments are running out because now we’re OUTAND
INANDOUT
ANDIN
AND WE
breathe and its
Out.
