I will never have children.

the Night Mare

the sky is pink at 11:56 pm, the time i was born. 
the walk from car to door seems to take forever, 
swiftly falling raindrops swirling in the air around me, 
and i let them fall. one lands on  my forehead and rolls down past my eye like a tear;
i bite my tongue hard to ensure that a real one doesn't join it.
the clouds blanketing the sky are nothing compared to the ones darkening my mind, my words are jumbled and slurred.
there's so much distance in my mind between the thoughts i have
and the thoughts i should have, here on the wrong side of the tracks.
even greater the distance between us, 
the space in my embrace like a void where you should be.
i crave your presence like sweet confections and yet it is unfulfilled
time shudders to a slower speed that knows the pain of loneliness
the ache in my chest, usually a fierce pressure, is like a damper on my heartbeats
each one slow and skittering. my body aches, neck burns,
my headaches are frequent. these three days have stretched across eternity and back
and i'm not yet halfway through this hellish wander through my thoughts.
i'll try to sleep but i know my dreams will not bring the promise of salvation
the moon is veiled from my bedroom window and will give no light to my dreams, nightmares, nightshades. that foul demon mare comes through my window and sits on my chest, dulling all light and suffocating my unconscious riddling. 
now. 12:05. eyelids flutter, pop open, flutter again. the shadows of branches on the walls trembling and dancing and playing tricks on my fast fading mind. slowly, i slip into dreaming, reality is left behind with the light. i know not when i drop off, but i feel that the entrance back into this world will be stark and unpleasant. 

epic fail.

so. i was (WAS) quite excited for 'Half-Blood Prince' but was very (VERY) disappointed. not only did they leave out crucial details, but they ADDED scenes that weren't even in the book at all. Main issues:

1. the beginning was different. left out the muggle minister and didn't explain the dementors attacking muggles at all. 

2. no mention of rufus scrimgeor as new minister of magic. no mention either of cornelius fudge.

3. tonks and lupin are together from the start. in the book, lupin is tormented by what his status as werewolf will do to tonks. in the movie, when we briefly see them, tonks calls lupin 'sweetheart.'

4. lupin going underground amongst other werewolves, including fenrir greyback, the werewolf that bit him. this revelation isn't included either.

5. hardly any of the actual dialogue from the book was used.

6. in the book, harry is rescued by tonks when he is attacked by malfoy on the hogwarts express. in the movie, it is luna with her spectrespecs. this means that we dont hear about tonks' patronus changing.

7. THE BURROW DOES NOT BURN DOWN IN THE BOOK. this is complete bullshit. that entire scene (including the harry/ginny episode in the hallway) is fabricated. not to mention, that set of the burrow was different than previously, so maybe it needed to be burned. still. that scene was not necessary and would not have happened.

8. they only show TWO of the memories regarding tom riddle. (note: on the memory, dumbledore wrote 'thomas marvolo riddle.' his name was 'tom' not 'thomas.') this leaves out the gaunts altogether.  the only ones included are tom at the orphanage and tom asking slughorn about horcruxes. 

9. characters that are mysteriously absent: the Dursleys, Kreacher, Dobby, Bill and Fleur, Charlie, Rufus Scrimgeour, Cornelius Fudge, the Gaunts, Moaning Mrytle, Professor Trelawney, and the Muggle Prime Minister.

10. there is only one quidditch game, and in the post-game party its ron and lavender that kiss instead of harry and ginny. also left out is harry being captain of the gryffindor team.

11. learning to disapparate is cut.

12. way too much harry/ginny stuff that was not in the book and didnt really make sense. they dont actually 'go out,' ginny kisses harry in the room of requirement when he goes to hide his potions book. we dont see where the book is hidden, therefore leaving out 'the bust and the ugly old tiara' which is how he finds the diadem of ravenclaw in the seventh book.

12. all of the dialog following the funeral in the book (including harry breaking up with ginny because he's leaving school) is removed.

13. lavender brown is overly obsessive and stupid. she was not in harry and ron's potions class in the book. also, she breaks up with ron after she sees him and hermione coming down from the boys dormitories together, not seeing harry under the cloak. in the book, she hears ron saying hermione's name in his sleep in the hospital wing and breaks up with him.

14. almost no mention of horcruxes at all. they talk about the diary, the ring, and the locket; excluding the items once owned by the founders of hogwarts and nagini.

15. harry and dumbledore's trip to the cave is never explained. there is a photo of the cave/cliff on the wall in tom's orphanage room in the memory, but that is all. also they never explained why tom used this place to hide his horcrux.

16. snape never explains why he called himself the 'half blood prince;' because his father was a muggle and his mother, eileen prince, was a witch.

17. the battle surrounding the tower where dumbledore dies is absent. also, bellatrix lestrange is with the carrows, greyback, and snape on the tower, and in the book she was not part of any of the attacking of hogwarts.

18. dumbledore did not put a full body bind curse on harry while he was under his cloak. instead he hides under the floor of the tower, and is able to see everything.

19. bill's bite from greyback is cut.

20. the actual funeral of dumbledore was cut, instead showing students gathering around dumbledore's body on the ground and raising their lit wands in the air. 

... all i have to say is what the fuck. how on earth can they pull of the last (TWO) movies with this shitty setup? i might not even be able to witness the destruction that will ensue. 

'Arry Potta

So. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hits theaters this tuesday night, and i for one am quite excited. Harry Potter probably my biggest nerd obsession. I have re-read all of the books every year since they came out, or, well... every time a new one came out, i'd read all of the previous ones before reading the new one. And i re-read them all before a new movie, which is what i'm doing now. Actually, when the last book came out, i won the trivia contest at barnes and noble, so i think its safe to say i was the biggest nerd in attendance that night, a fact that i'm very proud of, thank you very much. Also, i finished the Deathly Hallows in a mere 8 hours, then went straight to work afterwards without sleeping at all. So, needless to say, i cant wait for this movie and i swear to voldemort they better not mess it up. i havent been too pleased with the last few movies, and really, would it have been so hard to just get Daniel Radcliffe some GREEN CONTACTS?! sheesh. 

anyways, i will attend the midnight showing dressed as harry himself, and i hope to see some other devoted fans there as well. PS, i'm hoping to get the dark mark tattoo in the near future on my left forearm. (the one from the book, not the stupid movie version.)