silver and cold

today is a silver lined day, the cold pressing in on my skin like fabric.
the scarf around my neck pulls tight like a noose and i feel tired,
i turn my eyes to the darkening sky with a sigh and pull my sleeves down
over my dry hands. theres a small tree to my left covered in tinfoil and christmas ornaments, a small pile of dirty snow mingling at its foot.
the wind pulls my hair around my eyes and i shiver awfully,
turning back towards home with the intent of walking faster,
focused only on the dim light in the distance.

Hell yeah for wearing pants and asking out guys. I win! :D

Snowday

the world outside my window is blank, a bright static white. christmas lights twinkle behind my reflection on the frosted panes, and a hand placed on the glass is quickly chilled by the frigid air on the opposite side. somehow the knowledge that i cannot go anywhere makes me more content than ever to do nothing. todays diet was pasta and hot chocolate, interspersed with giant cups of coffee. company consists of family that provides entertainment and bonding. good conversation and copious amounts of smiles are provided by the best friend. today i kept the constant optimism that has just invaded my life by rejecting all acidic thoughts of the past. now the sky has darkened, the backyard visible only by its white blanket of powder reflecting the lights in the windows.

favorite poem ever.

But thou, false Infidel ! shalt writhe

Beneath avenging Monkir's scythe;

And from its torment 'scape alone

To wander round lost Eblis' throne;

And fire unquench'd, unquenchable,

Around, within, thy heart shall dwell;

Nor ear can hear nor tongue can tell

The tortures of that inward hell !

Bur first, on earth as Vampire sent,

Thy corse shall from its tomb be rent:

Then ghastly haunt thy native place,

And suck the blood of all thy race;

There from thy daughter, sister, wife,

At midnight drain the stream of life;

Yet loathe the banquet which perforce

Must feed thy livid living corse:

Thy victims ere they yet expire

Shall know the demon for their sire,

As cursing thee, thou cursing them,

Thy flowers are wither'd on the stem.

But one that for thy crime must fall,

The youngest, most beloved of all,

Shall bless thee with a father's name ---

That word shall wrap thy heart in flame !

Yet must thou end thy task, and mark

Her cheek's last tinge, her eye's last spark,

And the last glassy glance must view

Which freezes o'er its lifeless blue;

Then with unhallow'd hand shalt tear

The tresses of her yellow hair,

Of which in life a lock when shorn,

Affection's fondest pledge was worn,

But now is borne away by thee,

Memorial of thine agony !

Wet with thine own best blood shall drip

Thy gnashing tooth and haggard lip;

Then stalking to thy sullen grave,

Go --- and with gouls and Afrits rave;

Till these in horror shrink away

From spectre more accursed than they !

-excerpt from The Giaour by Lord Byron

Supercool?

i have absolutely no idea what to write about.


well. lets see. today was cool. today has been great actually. it started off on a rather odd foot seeing as i slept for a mere 3 hours in a cramped armchair at taylors. not so comfy, but at least it was warm for once over there. anyways, i got up early and went to my moms to take a shower since taylor does not possess a hair dryer; god knows why, and i was not about to drive to school with wet hair with the threat of snow hanging over my (wet) head. i managed to get coffee at wawa and make it to school only four minutes after nine, even though i had to wait a good five minutes for the hazelnut coffee to brew. the lady who works there was eying me funny, but no matter.
i got to school and got into my wearable art get-up and felt silly. i presented my project and everyone seemed to like it, to my immense surprise. as soon as possible i removed myself from the duct tape fabric contraption i had on and said my goodbyes to my classmates. from there i went to target to attempt to finish getting gifts for everyone on my list, which i failed miserably at due to the severe lack of funds. i hopped next door to ukrops for a giant salad which i thoroughly enjoyed, aside from it getting stuck in my braces a lot. while there, i made plans with my best friend to meet up at barnes and noble for some awesome discussion and general awkwardness on both our parts. the traffic was horrendous, and it took me nearly fifteen minutes to go from one side of midlothian turnpike to the other.
once there, we wandered the bookshelves like lost children and commented on our surroundings. i acquired new stickers for my phone; an R2-D2 and anakin's speeder. we walked aimlessly to one end of the mall before deciding to go to the book exchange, one of my second homes. much good talk was had on the subject of favorite authors and such. after this, we ventured to the fresh market and sampled their coffee, hot chocolate and cider. i mentioned that i was going to a party that evening, and that he should come along. bestfriend really really really wanted to go, but he thinks he's too awkward and was afraid of messing things up, which is a completely irrational thing to be afraid of, considering how awesome bestfriend is. nevertheless, i wasnt going to force anything, so we parted ways. once home i found out that my aunts flight had been canceled and that my grandmother was pretty upset about this. not only that, but it had begun to snow while i cleaned the bathroom, and i was nervous to be out on snowy streets late at night, especially with the increased insanity of holiday shoppers.
thus, i decided to stay home and be cozy with hot chocolate, pj's, and more good conversation with the best friend. =)
... ive run out of stuff to talk about now, seeing as the best friend has now gone offline. i will say though, that this best friend is SUPERCOOL.

acidhouse

I’m in it. The zone in between sleep and hell and wherever it is you go when you’re on drugs.

There are distant streetlamps becoming constellations laid out in front of me. The road is an asteroid belt that I ride slowly..yet surely to my destination, whatever that is. I know I am connected to the ground somehow but I cannot feel it. My solar system dissolves before my watering eyes and the steering wheel loses my grip. Drift… drifting in and ..out

And in…

And in…. a

Nd in…. outand in….

AND I blink and I’m back, the light from the moon .. or sun spinning mercilously above me, creating circles in the inky sky. Not inky, clear. It is daytime. Night time. Afternoon time. My brain is moving in slow revolutions that seem to disconnect as soon as they spin once, popping off and flying into the blue with the rest of me that has left this earth. I feel time as a corporeal thing and I feel it leaving my body. I am detached and I am out.

And out.

And in!

and I’m SO IN, I need to run, I need to shout. But it’s an hour of the morning that I never see and people are shushing me. Instead I roam the apartment, walking around and around to stay with it. I open the door and stumble outside, I sit. I wait. I hear voices and I look for the source but it cant be. They left. I slouch over into the wall and shiver, rocking slowly back and forth to attempt to generate heat. A mostly full beer by the door is now mine and I gulp at it, letting the cold brew calm my throat and my brain. My brain. Oh lord the damage on my brain. I cant handle it I cant… be out.. I can…

…cant be out. I let myself be hugged by a stranger in a too big jacket with a lightening bolt on the back. I watch horrified as he hits his dog, wincing as the dog cowers at his feet but my limbs will not respond to my nagging, their leaden digits twitching feebly before giving up. I need human contact or I will lose it. I grab him, and pull him into the bedroom fiercely. Our eyes lock, not lock… try to grab hold like smoke in the wind, sloshing around in their sockets, wooden orbs in a salty red-tinted sea. We know. He knows it. We fall, in perfect synchronization to the bed, o ur eyes still holding on .. barely holding on and I’m..

IN STILL,

the dull background of ..heartbeats? grinding and pumping like a glitch heavy on the air above us. The air between us is thicker still and scant. Skin and sweat on skin and sweat and face buried in collarbone. We blink together, clutch tighter together, exhale and forget to inhale together but our moments are running out because now we’re OUTAND

INANDOUT

ANDIN

AND WE

breathe and its

Out.

Oh and i basically live off of ramen and pbr. Life is good,

I feel like im wasting my time, but i give my time freely all the same.

i beg of you

tear holes in me. i am nothing. take what you can and dont think of giving it back. wear what you will and despise me for liking it. half of me wants to never see your face again, the other half pines for it desperately. those memories of freedom haunt me in my prison cell, taunting me, the smell of open air. tinny forgotten tunes and accompanying sensations that i have held back. please take it, for its a blessing and a curse. please take it, its all i have left. leave me with the holes.

gogogogogol

GOGOL BORDELLO IS FUCKING AMAZING. they were so great. words cannot describe it fully. plus, i got to meet eugene hutz afterward. let me just say that i would marry him in an instant.

excuse me, sir

IF SOMEONE CALLS ME SIR, OR MAN, OR THINKS I'M A GUY ONE MORE TIME....


they will be punched in the face. end of story.

batman'd forever

new tattoo, done by my friend EJ. its not finished yet but i'm pleased with it already. i want to get the spiderman symbol on my other foot, but EJ refuses to do anything Marvel. go figure.

Let it Out

Sick heat rips through my body at the sight of those words, such

Inconsideration for me. What thought process said this was okay? Never again will

I so freely throw myself into another, for this is always the case.

Sporadic headaches sure to follow, as usual, the embarrassment and pain

So common in this human race yet I feel like the only one. My thoughts rotting

And falling away as soon as I form them, pushing them away as soon as they are called

Into being. I cannot believe the actions I’ve made led me here for at the time, they seemed

Right, they seemed normal. Yet I was wrong. Ive spent all my life trying to find who I’m looking for

And here, I thought, I’ve found him! Life was good and life was sweet for a time, the happiest I’d ever been. Then, like a poison in the bloodstream came she, to wreck and ruin what she’s ruined before, only this time it was me and not some blank face from the past. This is personal, I thought.

This is a deathly cycle that I happen to be caught up in, no way to catch hold on the ground,

No way to jump the boat. I’m in this, and I can win this, thought I, but again, how wrong I was.

I cannot win, ever. My life is destined to take me places I don’t want to go and force me to

Be okay with it, force me to be stronger. The pain is no less with the understanding, but I

Know there is at least a purpose. No less tears, but I know there might at least be a silver lining.

These words they cut through me like nothing else has because you were part of me

Like no one else was. Even if you didn’t know and didn’t feel it too, i’ll keep those shining months in my

Memory as a precious time, and thinking on them will make me sad, yes, but I will remember when I was truly happy.

BK cheesy tots are the shit. God damn are they good.

Poetry Weather

today has been okay. the past few weeks have been pretty much shit, but at last we have good fall weather. not only has it felt amazing outside, but the sky has been absolutely beautiful. i can honestly say i dont think i'll ever see anything on earth that will match the sky's beauty. that being said, its perfect weather to go to a park or something with some tea or coffee and read or write. its perfect poetry weather, as i like to call it; the kind of weather that inspires you and really just makes you feel good inside.

tonight's agenda: pumpkin ice cream(!!!!) and scrabble. if you think this sounds like a good time, you'd be correct.

I enjoy regina spektor, she is great. Ive got the song 'samson' stuck in my head bigtime.

the real MC

so, im not sure how many people are familiar with MC chris, but im hoping its a fair few. having recently found his music, i have to say... the dude is awesome. not only is he an uber nerd like myself, but he's funny as shit. hopefully i'm going to see him this november in charlottesville. if you havent heard of him, check it out: www.myspace.com/mcchris

Previously, my favorite video games have been soulcalibur 2 and lego starwars. Now i need to fit zelda ocarina of time in there.

n1nete9n.

well. its my birthday. i'm nineteen. one more year of being a teeeenager haha. frankly, im stoked to be out of the teens because people just assume things. plus, i dont look my age anyways so maybe instead of assuming i'm 16 people will assume im at least 18. but oh well.

the only present i've so far received is a dungeons and dragons starter kit, which i dont really need but its cool as fuck. its got little pieces for monsters and a breakaway map. plus more freakin dice haha. anyways, sitting at home playing zelda til people get off work and then hopefully some shenanigans will begin. :)

I will never have children.

the Night Mare

the sky is pink at 11:56 pm, the time i was born. 
the walk from car to door seems to take forever, 
swiftly falling raindrops swirling in the air around me, 
and i let them fall. one lands on  my forehead and rolls down past my eye like a tear;
i bite my tongue hard to ensure that a real one doesn't join it.
the clouds blanketing the sky are nothing compared to the ones darkening my mind, my words are jumbled and slurred.
there's so much distance in my mind between the thoughts i have
and the thoughts i should have, here on the wrong side of the tracks.
even greater the distance between us, 
the space in my embrace like a void where you should be.
i crave your presence like sweet confections and yet it is unfulfilled
time shudders to a slower speed that knows the pain of loneliness
the ache in my chest, usually a fierce pressure, is like a damper on my heartbeats
each one slow and skittering. my body aches, neck burns,
my headaches are frequent. these three days have stretched across eternity and back
and i'm not yet halfway through this hellish wander through my thoughts.
i'll try to sleep but i know my dreams will not bring the promise of salvation
the moon is veiled from my bedroom window and will give no light to my dreams, nightmares, nightshades. that foul demon mare comes through my window and sits on my chest, dulling all light and suffocating my unconscious riddling. 
now. 12:05. eyelids flutter, pop open, flutter again. the shadows of branches on the walls trembling and dancing and playing tricks on my fast fading mind. slowly, i slip into dreaming, reality is left behind with the light. i know not when i drop off, but i feel that the entrance back into this world will be stark and unpleasant. 

epic fail.

so. i was (WAS) quite excited for 'Half-Blood Prince' but was very (VERY) disappointed. not only did they leave out crucial details, but they ADDED scenes that weren't even in the book at all. Main issues:

1. the beginning was different. left out the muggle minister and didn't explain the dementors attacking muggles at all. 

2. no mention of rufus scrimgeor as new minister of magic. no mention either of cornelius fudge.

3. tonks and lupin are together from the start. in the book, lupin is tormented by what his status as werewolf will do to tonks. in the movie, when we briefly see them, tonks calls lupin 'sweetheart.'

4. lupin going underground amongst other werewolves, including fenrir greyback, the werewolf that bit him. this revelation isn't included either.

5. hardly any of the actual dialogue from the book was used.

6. in the book, harry is rescued by tonks when he is attacked by malfoy on the hogwarts express. in the movie, it is luna with her spectrespecs. this means that we dont hear about tonks' patronus changing.

7. THE BURROW DOES NOT BURN DOWN IN THE BOOK. this is complete bullshit. that entire scene (including the harry/ginny episode in the hallway) is fabricated. not to mention, that set of the burrow was different than previously, so maybe it needed to be burned. still. that scene was not necessary and would not have happened.

8. they only show TWO of the memories regarding tom riddle. (note: on the memory, dumbledore wrote 'thomas marvolo riddle.' his name was 'tom' not 'thomas.') this leaves out the gaunts altogether.  the only ones included are tom at the orphanage and tom asking slughorn about horcruxes. 

9. characters that are mysteriously absent: the Dursleys, Kreacher, Dobby, Bill and Fleur, Charlie, Rufus Scrimgeour, Cornelius Fudge, the Gaunts, Moaning Mrytle, Professor Trelawney, and the Muggle Prime Minister.

10. there is only one quidditch game, and in the post-game party its ron and lavender that kiss instead of harry and ginny. also left out is harry being captain of the gryffindor team.

11. learning to disapparate is cut.

12. way too much harry/ginny stuff that was not in the book and didnt really make sense. they dont actually 'go out,' ginny kisses harry in the room of requirement when he goes to hide his potions book. we dont see where the book is hidden, therefore leaving out 'the bust and the ugly old tiara' which is how he finds the diadem of ravenclaw in the seventh book.

12. all of the dialog following the funeral in the book (including harry breaking up with ginny because he's leaving school) is removed.

13. lavender brown is overly obsessive and stupid. she was not in harry and ron's potions class in the book. also, she breaks up with ron after she sees him and hermione coming down from the boys dormitories together, not seeing harry under the cloak. in the book, she hears ron saying hermione's name in his sleep in the hospital wing and breaks up with him.

14. almost no mention of horcruxes at all. they talk about the diary, the ring, and the locket; excluding the items once owned by the founders of hogwarts and nagini.

15. harry and dumbledore's trip to the cave is never explained. there is a photo of the cave/cliff on the wall in tom's orphanage room in the memory, but that is all. also they never explained why tom used this place to hide his horcrux.

16. snape never explains why he called himself the 'half blood prince;' because his father was a muggle and his mother, eileen prince, was a witch.

17. the battle surrounding the tower where dumbledore dies is absent. also, bellatrix lestrange is with the carrows, greyback, and snape on the tower, and in the book she was not part of any of the attacking of hogwarts.

18. dumbledore did not put a full body bind curse on harry while he was under his cloak. instead he hides under the floor of the tower, and is able to see everything.

19. bill's bite from greyback is cut.

20. the actual funeral of dumbledore was cut, instead showing students gathering around dumbledore's body on the ground and raising their lit wands in the air. 

... all i have to say is what the fuck. how on earth can they pull of the last (TWO) movies with this shitty setup? i might not even be able to witness the destruction that will ensue. 

'Arry Potta

So. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hits theaters this tuesday night, and i for one am quite excited. Harry Potter probably my biggest nerd obsession. I have re-read all of the books every year since they came out, or, well... every time a new one came out, i'd read all of the previous ones before reading the new one. And i re-read them all before a new movie, which is what i'm doing now. Actually, when the last book came out, i won the trivia contest at barnes and noble, so i think its safe to say i was the biggest nerd in attendance that night, a fact that i'm very proud of, thank you very much. Also, i finished the Deathly Hallows in a mere 8 hours, then went straight to work afterwards without sleeping at all. So, needless to say, i cant wait for this movie and i swear to voldemort they better not mess it up. i havent been too pleased with the last few movies, and really, would it have been so hard to just get Daniel Radcliffe some GREEN CONTACTS?! sheesh. 

anyways, i will attend the midnight showing dressed as harry himself, and i hope to see some other devoted fans there as well. PS, i'm hoping to get the dark mark tattoo in the near future on my left forearm. (the one from the book, not the stupid movie version.)

billy mays and tattoo

so... billy mays too?? damn. i think this might be a sign of the apocalypse, all these people dying at 50. now michael jackson, i didnt really mind. anyone who can be born a poor black boy and die a rich white woman isnt too high on my list. but anyway..... i've decided on my next tattoo! the above image of the enterprise, except it would just be the outline and a few inside details. on my right hip to go opposite my tie fighter. :) picture upon completion!

introduction?

Well, i finally gave in and made one of these. ive been following a few other blogs for awhile but never really thought i should make one of my own. im not sure anyone will read it buuuut might as well give it a try! :)

cheers, 

scur mur